I’m reading an awesome book about human sexuality. The link is below: Come As You Are, The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life, by Emily Nagoski, PhD.
Without too much spoiler, you will learn about brakes, accelerator, context, and much more. Reading this has solidified some of the self-work I have done on healing my sexual attitudes towards myself.
I loved this quote.
“If a girl has a particularly sensitive brake system, one incident might be enough to create a tangled knot in her arousal process. For many women, though, it takes consistent reinforcement of a negative message in order for it to be embedded in sexual response, and consistent reinforcement takes a sex-negative culture.”
I have a highly sensitive accelerator with dull brakes. I can only speak in generalities, because I forgot the details over the years. Generally, I was raised in an environment where sex should wait until marriage. It was more acceptable if a boy didn’t wait. It was likely a girl’s fault if a young couple was caught. Premarital sex is naughty. Don’t have sex with more than one boy. If you fail, ask for forgiveness and try harder next time. Oh, and don’t talk about your struggles because 1st – you should be ashamed and 2nd – it’s embarrassing to talk about sex.
I felt at least mildly guilty or shameful for YEARS. This book is helping me to finalize my healing process and truly understand.
WARNING, if you know me personally and don’t want to know ANYthing about my views on sex, then please skip this post. I use my writing as a method of thinking through who I was, who I am, and who I want to be and this time it happens to be about sex.
I was thinking about this last night, as I was trying to sleep. I move fast in relationships and always have. When the ex and I first started having serious relationship issues and divorce was a possibility, I was worried that I would revert to my old ways. My old ways were to have sex as soon as possible – not because I really wanted to, but because it was my disillusioned way of hooking the guy. Sometimes it worked, as was the case with my ex.
In other words, I was having sex for all the wrong reasons and sometimes I didn’t feel good about myself because of it. I didn’t work through those feelings until 2012, while the ex and I were going through our most difficult time.
I am very happy that I was able to work through it. Now that I am dating, I know that when I decide to have sex with someone it will be for the right reasons for ME. It may not match someone else’s idea of the right reasons, which is their problem, not mine. It will be right for me!
I am a much stronger woman now than I was in my teens and early adulthood. I am more confident. I know what I’m worth. I don’t need to hook him or anyone. I know when I am ready for more intimacy. This is incredibly freeing for me, more so than I could ever describe with words. It is allowing me to be who I really am with my new guy: intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. It is allowing me to be free with him and enjoy our experiences more than I ever imagined.