I am the girl who was afraid to be herself until she was well into her 40s. I am the girl whose feelings get hurt because people try to change her and then disassociate themselves with her when she refuses to change.
Yes, that did hurt my feelings! But I am also the girl who has learned that what hurts me more is trying to be someone I am NOT — just to make others happy!
Sometimes I’m not comfortable just being myself. But I’ve made a deal with myself recently to do that. I still have thoughts like, “is this what everyone else would do, say, or think?” But I’m getting over it quicker and quicker. I’m much more at peace in my head. More than I’ve been my whole life.
Ladies, would you consider dating a man who opens his about me section with:
A plain guy not fabio….don’t laugh. …Not the best looking but not the worst either.
It may be a true statement, at least true to how the guy feels about himself. But it conveys low self esteem. It is too strongly negative to draw in a new potential match.
Fortunately the man who had this on his profile yesterday has changed it to something more positive. Even though he does not seem to be my type, I’m happy that he changed it and wish him the best in his search!
I took some time off to think (a.k.a. – wallow in self pity). Really, I did both. I wallowed for a bit, then I thought, wallowed some more, thought and then experienced some personal growth.
I am the type of person who is giving and willing to go with the flow of people around me. I’m a follower, not a leader. There’s not really a problem with these characteristics, unless a person lacks the ability to STOP the behavior when someone is taking advantage. That was me. I didn’t know how to prevent someone from taking advantage of me.
In many relationships, a pattern is formed pretty early where one person gets their way the majority of the time. It’s not that they’re self centered or rude, it is just that their partner never stopped the pattern – for whatever reason. Their partner never spoke up about their own needs. As time goes on, the person who rarely gets their way might get frustrated when he/she really has something important that they want to have go their way.
I believe that I’ve made progress over the last week in #1) recognizing a negative pattern I fall into in my relationships and #2) speaking up about my feelings in regards to the situation. Not just walking away from the problem and hope it gets better magically.
Speaking up about my needs and feelings will help to prevent people walking all over me, even when they don’t specifically intend to do it. Since I realized my pattern and understood what to do about it, I’ve felt an emotional burden lift. Then after I spoke to the individual I was having a problem with, I felt even better. No idea if the problem will go away, but at least I didn’t just ignore it in hopes it would magically go away.
WARNING, if you know me personally and don’t want to know ANYthing about my views on sex, then please skip this post. I use my writing as a method of thinking through who I was, who I am, and who I want to be and this time it happens to be about sex.
I was thinking about this last night, as I was trying to sleep. I move fast in relationships and always have. When the ex and I first started having serious relationship issues and divorce was a possibility, I was worried that I would revert to my old ways. My old ways were to have sex as soon as possible – not because I really wanted to, but because it was my disillusioned way of hooking the guy. Sometimes it worked, as was the case with my ex.
In other words, I was having sex for all the wrong reasons and sometimes I didn’t feel good about myself because of it. I didn’t work through those feelings until 2012, while the ex and I were going through our most difficult time.
I am very happy that I was able to work through it. Now that I am dating, I know that when I decide to have sex with someone it will be for the right reasons for ME. It may not match someone else’s idea of the right reasons, which is their problem, not mine. It will be right for me!
I am a much stronger woman now than I was in my teens and early adulthood. I am more confident. I know what I’m worth. I don’t need to hook him or anyone. I know when I am ready for more intimacy. This is incredibly freeing for me, more so than I could ever describe with words. It is allowing me to be who I really am with my new guy: intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. It is allowing me to be free with him and enjoy our experiences more than I ever imagined.
In response to Use It or Lose It Daily Prompt.
There have been many times in my life, in anyone’s life for that matter because I’m not unique, where I’ve thought “I thought
we’d I’d never come back from survive that one.” But so far, I’ve always survived and maybe thrived. I believe that most of the time I’ve come back as a new & improved version of me – even if the outcome was not quite what I wanted or anticipated.
- In my teen years I was desperate for male attention and it was a miracle that I wasn’t a teen mommy. I managed to make it to age 32 before having my first. Although I was faithful to my soon to be ex, I believe that I would have continued to make poor decisions in matters of love if I hadn’t have married him. And this would have been true up until a couple of years ago, when I finally worked through some of my self esteem issues.
- I never thought I’d make it through summer of 2012, when I learned about my husband’s affairs. When he accepted an invitation from a female sex addict, became addicted to her, got depressed because she went back to her husband (she ran out of money), and then he enrolled in online dating to see if he could transfer his feelings to another woman. And he did, but deceived her right along with me. All this while married to me and agreeing that we could go to therapy to work on our relationship. And that is where I started to find out about all of that, at our first therapy session.Ouch – that hurt!
- I never thought that two years later, after a good deal of what felt like successful reconciliation to me, I would find out that he still wanted a divorce. But by this time (Nov 2014) I was a much stronger person than I had been in the summer of 2012. Even though I’m not coming through it as a married woman, I am coming back strong.
I’ve reached 100 followers. Thank you so much for taking the time to stop by my little blog!
In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Re-springing Your Step.”
It was a period of a few months in early to mid 2013. Soon to be Ex and I had rekindled our relationship and were in a period of limerence, that periods where we were infatuated with each other. In that brief period of time, he paid more attention to me than he had in our previous 19 years of marriage. He’d watch me exercise. He’d tell me how sexy I am. He’d listen to me and talk to me. He’d make sweet, sweet love to me – sometimes twice a day.
My GOD, it was intoxicating.
Alas, it wasn’t real. Or at least not real enough to withstand the test of time.
You ask, what was it that had such a positive effect on me. Attention. I was starved for his attention.
Every week in staff meeting at work we take a few moments to thank team members. Most of it is in the form of, “I thank X for helping me to finish Y on time” or “I thank G for helping me figure out what to do about Z.” But once in awhile a team mate offers extra thanks in the form of “pride award points” that can be spent on gifts through our gift store, or even transitioned to real $$$ to spend on Amazon.com.
Yesterday several people who worked on a project that I was involved in received pride awards. I didn’t get one.
I don’t expect recognition. I like recognition though.
And when everyone else on the team gets recognized and I don’t – well – it makes me wonder why.
Was I forgotten? I don’t like that idea. I don’t need to be popular, but certainly don’t want to be forgotten.
Did I do something wrong? If I did, I sure would like someone to share that with me so that I can learn from it.
Did I not put enough effort into it?
Why, why, why??? It makes me feel deflated, demotivated.