Tag Archives: Psychology

America’s Problem #2

Negativity. Some of us

  • Insult the person who disagrees with us. We can’t accept that people may have well thought out reasons for thinking differently and just learn to accept that fact.
  • Call the person who chooses a different life style weird, lazy, stupid, etc. We don’t like people who are different.
  • Think that the person who doesn’t believe what we believe is just stupid or wrong. We can’t tolerate people’s differences.
  • Treat innocent mistakes in traffic like intentional rudeness. We cannot give the benefit of the doubt.
  • Will be rude to a person we believe is not driving fast enough, by either riding their tail or passing in a rude manner. We believe we own the road and the world revolves around us.
  • Believe that if you look different or talk with a different accent (or worse yet – speak in a different language), you must be stupid, bad, or just need to learn how to be a Murican. We don’t like people who are different. And if they look like they might be Muslim, we don’t like them and we certainly don’t trust them.
  • Let life’s minor irritation get the best of us. We haven’t learned to let go and focus on what is good in our lives.
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18% Friendly? Why don’t we smile at each other?

I work in a string of seven buildings connected by halls. Each building has four floors and two wings. There are a lot of people here with at least three companies in occupancy.

It is common for people to walk the halls for exercise. This is especially true during the summer, when my company sponsors a walking/exercise program where you can earn an Amazon gift certificate worth $50 to $100.  My company has the bulk of office space here, so there are usually plenty of people walking at any given time.

I’ve noticed that not many people smile, or even make eye contact. Today I decided to see what percentage of people would display a minimal acknowledgement – such as a nod or smile.  This experiment took place right before the cafeteria opened and I saw 40+ people.  There were two small groups of people who were talking as they walked.  All of the others were individuals.

18%! Three people smiled AND gave a verbal greeting.  Out of those, I know one so I almost didn’t want to count her.  Another individual nodded, but did not smile or give a verbal greeting.

Out of all the others, a substantial majority did not even make eye contact.

Dreams

I’ve always had dreams I could remember.  Stress causes me to have more vivid dreams.

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For example

* Dreaming that my ex was putting his man parts in my face. I think this has two meanings. Earlier in the divorce process it was my anxiety that he would pursue me intimately.  After I knew about his girlfriend it was because I felt he was flaunting the new relationship in my face.

* This one is funny to me because it is opposite of my daydreaming.  Last night I had a dream that he wanted me to meet her. She turned out to be plain Jane in appearance with a dull personality.  In my daydreams she’s sexy, good looking, great personality,  etc.

* More on the above dream.  I asked if she knew who I was and she didn’t.  This reflects my feelings that he is secretive and closed off.

* And more a still on that dream. I was on a blind date with a man who was getting WAY to close to me, but I was trying to be ok with that. Interpretation, maybe I’m not ready to date.

* Then a man I knew and liked showed up.  He rescued me and we had a great time while the others watched on in boredom. He paid attention to me, made me laugh, flirted with me. This means that I’m wanting someone who pays attention to me.  It may also mean that I’m showing my vindictive side because ex and his girlfriend were bored and paying more attention to me and my guy.

Anti-Therapy is Alive – Unfortunately

I’ve heard that there are people out there who are anti-therapy, but have never encountered any.  I’ve met people who have concerns with therapy but are not truly anti-therapy.

Last week I came across this site and have been thinking about it since.  Particularly #5 and #6.  I was shocked.

Mistake 5. Going to a mental health therapist or psychologist.

She says “Don’t have — and don’t make claims of having — any kind of emotional disability, disorder, anxiety, depression, inability to cope, or other dysfunction, if you can possibly avoid doing so.”  A little later in the paragraph she says “If you absolutely, positively must vent [do so] … only if you’re truly dangerously dysfunctional — then do not tell anyone you are going, pay cash, don’t get or fill prescriptions where any record of that can be discovered…”

I call that bottling up the negative feelings, burying them, and building resentments – which to me is dysfunctional.  That leads to this type of therapy session.

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If anyone believes I’ve made a poor choice in going to therapy, so be it.  I’m certain it will not be held against me during my divorce.  We have “family therapy” every other Saturday and it has helped us tremendously as a “family.”  Just not as a “couple.”

Mistake 6. Taking the children to a therapist.

That brings me to #6.  Here she says “Fix the situation; don’t try to train children to cope with it. If children are having problems, then it’s far more likely than not that it’s the adults around them who are doing something wrong.”

Anti-coping?  Don’t learn to cope with crappy situations?  Really?

I guess I have it all wrong.  My youngest son has Asperger’s and has been seeing a therapist for 5 years.  We currently have his therapy set up as “family” therapy and have had great success. He also has a school based social worker and has participated in school based social skills therapy groups.

My oldest son has a lot of stress related issues because of his brother and his own perfectionism and periodically sees a therapist.  His therapist helped him in accepting adult authority, even though he didn’t agree with the adult (perfectionism).  She also helped him with accepting things that he cannot control and working towards changing things that he can control.  He just started seeing her again so that he could talk about his feelings about our divorce (or whatever else he decides to discuss).

Fresh Love

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Re-springing Your Step.”

It was a period of a few months in early to mid 2013.  Soon to be Ex and I had rekindled our relationship and were in a period of limerence, that periods where we were infatuated with each other.  In that brief period of time, he paid more attention to me than he had in our previous 19 years of marriage.  He’d watch me exercise.  He’d tell me how sexy I am.  He’d listen to me and talk to me.  He’d make sweet, sweet love to me – sometimes twice a day.

My GOD, it was intoxicating.

Alas, it wasn’t real.  Or at least not real enough to withstand the test of time.

You ask, what was it that had such a positive effect on me.  Attention.  I was starved for his attention.

Feels Good to Say Sorry

I let someone down at work a little over a year ago and never had the opportunity to let her know how sorry I was (she retired before I was ready).  I would think about her periodically and feel regret that I added to her stress overload.  And I secretly believed that I was part of the reason she retired.

Anyway, someone on my team still keeps in contact with her and was asked to share her personal email with everyone she worked with.  So I took the opportunity to write a letter telling her how sorry I was.

It is such a relief to get that off my chest – even though she probably hasn’t even read her email yet.

My 10 yr old son told me recently that he hates to say sorry because he feels stupid.  Maybe I have a little bit of that problem at first, but after some time has passed I just really want to tell the person that I am sorry.

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Don’t be afraid to express yourself!

In response to Powerful Suggestion.

What’s the one piece of advice you wish someone had given you a year (or five, or ten…) ago?

My 3 to 5 year old self (never mind how many years ago that would be) would have benefited tremendously from this advice, “Don’t be afraid to express yourself.”

I have had an alarming mix of self repression with total lack of restraint in other areas of life; areas where one should have some restraint.  I believe that the lack of restraint was there to balance out my repressed self expression.  This pattern started at a very young age for me and was fully ingrained as my modus operandi by the time I was a young teen.

Some people do not need this push in the correct direction, but I needed it badly.  I’ve been aware of this tendency for several years now, and awareness is the first step to healing.  I still struggle daily, even with the little forms of expression that so many people are capable of without the least bit of thought.

I hesitate.  I think about how expressing myself will upset the other person.  Maybe they won’t like me.  Maybe they’ll laugh at me.  Maybe they’ll leave me.  Maybe they’ll tell me I’m wrong to feel the way I do.  Maybe they’ll tell me it is my fault.  Maybe they’ll get defensive and argue, which will make me want to run and hide.

So, I try to express myself so that I own my own feelings and let the other person own their feelings.

Here’s some thoughts from others on this topic:

She Writes | UNHAPPY MARRIAGES: WHAT TO CONSIDER WHEN DIVORCING YOUR SPOUSE
Basically Beyond Basic | Powerful Suggestion
the bookaholics rehab | Powerful Suggestion
The Wandering Poet | Daily prompt: Advice
from dusk to dawn…. | Advice about….. read the post…..
Journeyman | Powerful Suggestion -The Really Important Things in Life
The Jittery Goat
The WordPress C(h)ronicle | Powerful Suggestion
Bob’s Blog-O-Rama | Daily Prompt : Powerful Suggestion
The Ambitious Drifter | Good Advice?
My journey to qualify for the Boston Marathon…and everything in between… | Prompt: Powerful Suggestion
Prairie Views
the FLAVORED word | A coffee enema? Say what?
Due Delight | Powerful Suggestion ; Love’s The Best
tuckedintoacorner | The Power of Suggestion
Sue’s Journey | Good Advice?
wannabedeenbuddy | Who listens?
RANDOM!!! | Powerful Suggestion