This is yet another attempt at therapeutic writing. I really feel like I was the victim of false advertising. Here’s how it went down:
- See good looking guy’s profile and like how funny and intelligent he seems.
- Meet guy and have a great time for a couple of weeks.
- Learn guy has some medical issues that he’s in the process of fixing, but doesn’t want to spend time when he’s not feeling good.
- Be patient with guy, while he’s going through this process.
- Learn that guy has a hard time being the guy he presents on his profile. WTF – then change your profile to who you are NOW. Fuck wit!
- Go through a range of emotions deciding whether or not to continue with guy and decide not to.
- See that guy is still looking, but not on the site that you met him through. Hmmmm, OK!
- Guy says he never dated someone from that site while dating me. Says he’s currently incapable of investing emotionally in a relationship and I’m better off trying to find someone who can give me the attention I deserve.
- Go back to square 1 with dating sites, all the while trying to figure out WTF happened.
- Harden my heart because I realize that dating sites are bogus with too many frauds.
In my head I am screaming at Neo (click the link to find out who Neo is), “you suck at returning texts.” But what good would it do to say that to him?
It would do NO good. It is an accusation and will put him on the defensive. Ultimately, it will not convey to him how I feel when he goes silent. It will not bring understanding or intimacy between us. It may make him run for the hills.
I do need to talk to him about it though, because it is disconcerting to receive silence. I know WHY he goes silent and I’m OK with that. I also understand that this issue may go away or be diminished once he gets a medical problem taken care of later this month. But for now, the silence is killing me. I want to let him know how I feel about it and request that he not go completely silent.
So instead of flinging “you suck at returning texts” at him (which my amygdala wants me to do); I will instead use my pre-frontal cortex to tell him:
- When I don’t receive a return text until Tuesday morning for the four texts I send on Monday, I feel like there is a lack of interest.
- I feel like maybe you are playing cat and mouse with me.
- I feel like I’m being tricked.
- I feel like I’m failing at a mind game where the winner sends the fewest texts, but just enough to make the other person want to keep texting.
- I feel like I should just wait until I receive a response from my last text before I send another, but that feels like playing a mind game. And that is NOT my style.
Neo, instead of going completely silent on me, could you send me a quick text to let me know you are not feeling good and can’t text or talk just now? I will respect that and not be upset. Getting a brief text or call like that will alleviate my fears and help me to look forward to communicating with you when you ARE feeling better.
I’m in a funk. No motivation. Some anger. Some frustration. Some fear. All on top of a bad night of sleep.
Some divorce prep accomplishments (that aren’t bringing me out of my funk):
- I used my brand spankin’ new “All My Own” credit card to pay for my lunch today.
- I set up my new checking and savings account and got my own new version of Quicken.
- I requested a small loan against my 401K to pay off my car so that it is easier to transfer solely to me.
- I steam cleaned the living room and moved some boxes to the attic to prep the house for sale.
Some things that are bothering me:
- It is very bizarre at home. When people are divorcing you’d expect tension, hurt feelings, arguing or SOMEthing. But if an outsider were to look in on us they would likely think we were a regular / average family – not one that is getting ready to pull the plug.
- Nothing seems to get done if I don’t do it. There are 2 ceiling fans that need to be replaced. There are 3 or 4 old broken monitors that need to be gotten rid of. There’s an extra television that needs to go to the attic. There’s several large items that need to be scheduled for a special trash pick up. There’s a BUNCH of husband specific hobby things cluttering the formal living room. But nothing gets done with that stuff unless I do it.
- My husband hates longish hair on boys and my 14 yr old son wants longish hair. I’ve never really agreed with husband about it, but can’t say that because then he feels like he’s the “bad guy.” It is bothering me right now because I went for a walk in the halls at work and noticed several men with longish hair and a few with outright LONG hair. All employed in professional positions at my company. There are no factory workers or low skilled people in my building – so I KNOW they are in a professional job category.
- I saw the tracfone in my drawer while looking for my headphones to go on my walk. The phone he used to communicate with his affair partners a couple of years ago. I was thinking of giving it back to him in case he needs it once our divorce is final.
Normally I would avoid writing a blog entry in this sort of mood. But if I do that, it might be a few weeks before I really feel energized for it again. So, here ya go – my emotional dumping!!!
This is how I feel about this massively huge and disorganized project I’m dealing with at work! It is someone else’s project, someone who bites off more than he can chew and then asks for help.