Tag Archives: Dating

Handshake?

Had an OK date last night. Not very exciting, but not bad. As we were parting ways in front of the restaurant, he shook my hand. It was like I was a business partner. Very odd.

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Hurting People Hurts Me

I had to hurt someone’s feelings today and I don’t like it one bit. Not ONE bit, I say. I feel like a jackass.

I met a guy online a few days ago and had a good connection with him while texting. We set up a lunch date today and he tried to cancel at the last minute this morning. The way he did it gave me the impression that he is not confident – actually quite the opposite of confident. Other things he’s said in texting for the past few days supported this idea.

We did meet for lunch today. He was a very sweet, kind and seemingly a romantic type of guy, but the lack of confidence came across strongly. He also has a very serious medical condition that has no cure and can only get worse over time. He has Parkinson’s.

His low self confidence is my primary motivator for telling him I didn’t want to see him again. I don’t want to need to be the person to build him up. He needs to do that on his own while the love of his life supports him. She can’t be the foundation though.

I believe this is especially true for a person with a serious medical condition.

Why Feel Sorry?

I was in a personal conversation with people at work about dating and what minimum requirements were in selecting someone to date. One of my big requirements is that he is somewhere between agnostic to atheist. I don’t want to risk offending someone I’m in an intimate relationship with. I like to talk about my views, so I know it would come up. And I don’t need to be “saved” because I simply don’t believe that there is a god.

So I told these people from work that I’m an atheist and they were fine with it.  One of them even brought up the fact that I wouldn’t want a date to try to save me.

One of the other women is in the dating game and we asked her how she finds dates if she’s not using a dating site. She says she finds them at her church.

I  immediately wanted to tell her I’m sorry if I offended her by saying I’m an atheist. I’m sure she’s not offended because of it, so why did I feel like that?

I reasoned myself out of saying sorry, thankfully. I  think that more people need to be openly atheist / agnostic so that it doesn’t feel offensive to say it out loud.

Living Transparently

I didn’t know that this is something appealing to me that has been just off my radar for awhile.  Maybe a LONG while. It is something I’ve desired in many ways, in many situations. It came to light during a text conversation with Jazz Guy last night. Jazz Guy is a musician I’ve had one date with, but we clicked immediately.

We were talking about reduced stress in life and he asked how I got to periods of reduced stress. I gave a few examples such as getting divorced, seeing a therapist (or life coach), and getting massage therapy about twice a month. He gave me a great compliment, in my opinion.  He said “You are very transparent. I like that.”

Then it clicked for me. I’ve been fighting against NON-transparency for a long time. I never knew what my ex was thinking or feeling. Half the time I suspect he didn’t even know. Add to that the fact that I didn’t know what I was thinking or feeling half the time – and you have a BIG mess. It was very stressful and my sense of peace has steadily been returning since our divorce. That does not mean he is a bad person – it just means that we really were not good for each other.

Fast forward to the infancy of my dating life. It became clear very quickly that many people on dating sites play games with each other. Some people do it intentionally and others unthinkingly. I can tolerate the ones who do it unthinkingly and I can usually get a decent sense for when that is the case.

I never knew what game was being played at any given time, or what the rules were. I would ask advice from my girlfriends, but much of the time I felt like they were further encouraging me to play the games. My internal dialog didn’t help either:

  • Don’t reveal your true intentions or true thoughts, or you’ll look too weak, or too strong.
  • Don’t tell a guy what you really think because you may scare him off.
  • Don’t send a message or text until he responds to your previous one or you’ll appear clingy.

I’m done playing games. I’m ready to increase the transparency in my life. But what does that mean?

When applied to ideology, transparency means: free from pretense or deceit, easily detected or seen through, readily understood. I think that the primary action I am going to focus on is to continue to share my honest feelings and thoughts.

Dating: I Talk About My Ex

There’s a popular thought in the dating world that we should not talk about our ex and I don’t entirely agree with it. Here’s what we shouldn’t do:

  • Bash our ex.
  • Pine after our ex.
  • Compare our date to our ex.

Here’s what I believe we should do, because it helps us to get to know each other:

  • Instead of bashing our ex, we should discuss what worked and what didn’t work in the relationship. It is difficult to do this without mentioning the former partner.
  • We should accept, especially at my age, that someone may have spent DECADES with their ex.  I’ve known mine for 25 years and was married to him for 21 years.  He’s had a huge impact on my life, both good and bad.  And he is the father of my two wonderful boys.  So his name is going to come up.
  • We should focus on the message our date is trying to convey, not the fact that he or she is talking about their ex.  To me, I’m not talking about my ex when I mention him (at least not most of the time and especially not in the beginning stages of a new relationship).  I’m really talking about my feelings and reactions to events that occurred with him.

I have found a couple of men who understand these concepts and one who didn’t quite get it. He talked about his ex wife, but when I talked about my ex he quickly started accusing me of still being in love with my ex.  Heck, even my massage therapist can tell I’m not in love with my ex (sorry dear ex – if you happen across this).

19% Match / 83% Enemy

Came across a guy on Ok Cupid with these abysmal match percentages. Being the curious person that I am, I decided to take a look. His self summary:

hello all im a devorced guy very easy going i like to have fun when i can hang out

Besides the horrible spelling and punctuation, we had a lot of red (meaning incorrect) answers in the question section.  Some of them were the ones that were very important to me, that gauge how accepting a person is of differences.

Guess I won’t be contacting him!