See, she’s tired. Tired of struggling with a special needs child with little help from her husband. Tired of being the only one to research said child’s problems. Tired of being the only one to seek out interventions and be told by her partner that it is too difficult or complicated. Tired of being the only one to meet with school, take child to therapy, etc. Tired of being the only one responsible for the house work, the cooking, and everything.
Having a special needs child makes the parenting partnership VERY important and she’s not getting it.
If you are the kind of person to pray, pray for all of the mothers who are at their wits end trying to manage on their own even though they have a capable partner. If you’re not the kind of person who prays, just think good thoughts for people in that situation.
I’m sure there are also fathers out there in this boat too. But I met a mom in these shoes and I’ve been in these shoes – so my focus is on moms.
Because people who need to do things on their own, even though they have a partner, need our support.
I’ve heard that there are people out there who are anti-therapy, but have never encountered any. I’ve met people who have concerns with therapy but are not truly anti-therapy.
Last week I came across this site and have been thinking about it since. Particularly #5 and #6. I was shocked.
Mistake 5. Going to a mental health therapist or psychologist.
She says “Don’t have — and don’t make claims of having — any kind of emotional disability, disorder, anxiety, depression, inability to cope, or other dysfunction, if you can possibly avoid doing so.” A little later in the paragraph she says “If you absolutely, positively must vent [do so] … only if you’re truly dangerously dysfunctional— then do not tell anyone you are going, pay cash, don’t get or fill prescriptions where any record of that can be discovered…”
I call that bottling up the negative feelings, burying them, and building resentments – which to me is dysfunctional. That leads to this type of therapy session.
If anyone believes I’ve made a poor choice in going to therapy, so be it. I’m certain it will not be held against me during my divorce. We have “family therapy” every other Saturday and it has helped us tremendously as a “family.” Just not as a “couple.”
Mistake 6. Taking the children to a therapist.
That brings me to #6. Here she says “Fix the situation; don’t try to train children to cope with it. If children are having problems, then it’s far more likely than not that it’s the adults around them who are doing something wrong.”
Anti-coping? Don’t learn to cope with crappy situations? Really?
I guess I have it all wrong. My youngest son has Asperger’s and has been seeing a therapist for 5 years. We currently have his therapy set up as “family” therapy and have had great success. He also has a school based social worker and has participated in school based social skills therapy groups.
My oldest son has a lot of stress related issues because of his brother and his own perfectionism and periodically sees a therapist. His therapist helped him in accepting adult authority, even though he didn’t agree with the adult (perfectionism). She also helped him with accepting things that he cannot control and working towards changing things that he can control. He just started seeing her again so that he could talk about his feelings about our divorce (or whatever else he decides to discuss).
I’m very sensitive to this, even when no one is judging me.
So, instead of getting my undies in a bunch about something I just overheard – I’m going to blog about it in an effort to get it off my chest.
I just heard my cubicle neighbor, who is not a parent and never will be, talking on the phone with another person who is the parent of adult kids (you tend to forget problems after the kids leave). I don’t make a habit of listening to conversations, but how can you not hear them in this type of environment?
I was shocked to hear something like this statement:
That’s a reflection on the parents … poor parenting.
I didn’t even hear the whole conversation, but hackles raised when I overheard those words.
Why? I’m not entirely sure but I know that it has to do with the ample opportunities for others to judge me based on my highly functioning autistic child’s behavior. See, people can’t look at him and know that he has a brain that is wired so different that certain things cause problems for him, resulting in bad behavior.
It is just not fair that we parents are always judged so harshly.
Tell us about a time when everything seemed to be going wrong — and then, suddenly, you knew it would be alright.
I have not had one singularly dramatic moment when I knew everything would be OK. Rather, I have many moments where I force myself to believe that everything will be OK. It is a slippery slope, my confidence, so up I go and down I slide. Over the last two years – especially the last one year – I believe I’ve gone UP the slope more than down the slope.
Some of these moments:
My boys generally don’t get along – like most siblings. Knowing this is true of most siblings does not make me better able to accept the fact. So when older son scooted close to younger son and said “Of course we’ll be OK because we love each other” and then proceeded to hug his brother – I knew it would be OK.
My husband and I went through relationship struggles through 2012 and partly into 2013. When he shows me his big grin and lets his silly side show – I know everything will be OK.
When you parent a child with Asperger’s, you need to learn to recognize the small victories that lead to everything being OK. When he recognizes a characteristic / behavior that he has causes him problems, that means that the first step of resolving the problem is complete. Recognition / ownership of the problem.
I love to read and I read a wide variety of books. My favorite genera is Fantasy by far, though. Since we read most of our books electronically (Kindle), and I am the primary account owner for the Kindles, I have even more variety.
Young readers: In an effort to get my grade schooler to read on his own, I purchased several Scream Street books. I also have several kid mysteries and a handful of I Survived books. Alas, he still doesn’t want to read on his own.
Young Adult: My older son loves to read. Maze Runner, Divergent, Hunger Games, City of Ember, Heroes of Olympus, etc.
Hubby will read a lot of the same books as me, but some unique ones too. Helmet for My Pillow, With the Old Breed.
Mine cover a WIDE array of topics.
Fantasy includes Brandon Sanderson’s Mistborn series, Robin Hobb’s Farseer and Liveship Trader series, Patrick Rothfuss’ King Killer Chronicles, and George R. R. Martin’s A Game of Thrones.
Literature: Water for Elephants and The Help. Loved and hated The Help. Hated that humans are so mean to each other, especially about the color of someone’s skin.
I love to read psychology related self help books, which include a few related to marital relations (The Five Love Languages), some for Asperger’s / Autism / ADHD (The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome), some for parenting (1-2-3 Magic).
And I have some general self-help / inspirational books: Sex (I Love Female Orgasm and Women’s Anatomy of Arousal). Hey – we all need some help there from time to time! Choosing Gratitude, wonderful philosophy. And one that applies to professional AND personal life, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
How cohesive is your family relationship? Are you disengaged, enmeshed, or somewhere in between?
How flexible is your family relationship? Is it chaotic, rigid, or somewhere in between?
If you have a guess to these answers, how can you know if that means your family relationship is healthy or needs some level of rework?
Why should you care?
Understanding your family’s location on this model can help you target specific areas for improvement.
When you are having troubles with teens, evaluate the level of cohesiveness and flexibility. Are you disengaged but have strict rules and family roles? Perhaps growing your relationship with your teen would make those rules seem more acceptable.
Are you and other family members slowly growing apart from each other?
Is one or more family members feeling squashed and in need of more “Me” and less “We?”
Is someone in the family desperately lonely?
Are the kids confused about who is in charge?
My Family 3 Years Ago
We were not in a happy place. Our youngest had been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome (Autism – basically). I was obsessed first with finding a cure (although I didn’t realize it at the time) and then with finding ways to help him. Communication between hubby and I was like communication between roommates – not like two people in love who share parenting. We were firmly planted in the Structurally Disengaged section, which is not the healthiest but also not the worst. That spot works well for some families and not so well for others. It was not working for us.
Room for Improvement
So, what was NOT working for us? Were we too structured or too disengaged? Where did we want to move on this chart? We never sat down and specifically talked about that, but your family may like that approach. Based on LOTS of conversation over the past 8 months or so, we determined that we were too disconnected. We were two independent people with little loyalty and little closeness. This left the door open for major family and marital problems to happen. We needed to move into the Structurally Connected or the Flexibly Connected section.
Where are we now?
I’m not entirely sure, but I do know that we are no longer Disengaged. It started with hubby and me moving more and more into the connected realm. I would put the 2 of us in the Structurally Connected region. We spend a lot of time together now, whereas 3 years ago it was me & the kids and hubby took off for various hobbies on his own. We have a much higher degree of loyalty to each other because now we talk about things instead of pretending nothing is wrong. We make a LOT more decisions together now, especially regarding family.
Where We Are Moving
We may never move out of the Structurally Connected region, but we still have work to do on where we are as a family. We are slowly working on our individual relationship with our kids and working on whole family relationship. We have a significant amount of time where we are unplugged in the late afternoon and a large chunk of the weekend. This helps us do more things together, thereby increasing our connection. Here’s pictures from a recent rocket launch we had as a family.
Many have heard or have used the words Autism, Asperger’s, ADHD, Bi-polar, OCD, and so on. Individuals with these labels have a wide variety of abilities and behaviors. Often when you hear Asperger you think of a child, but children become adults and enter the workforce. Do you work with someone labeled this way? Do your coworkers have children or grandchildren who face this reality daily? Recently in the news, companies such as SAP and Freddie Mac are heavily recruiting autistic individuals hoping to harness ! their unique talents and to give them a chance to flourish in a job and spark innovation. For Ari Ne’eman, president of the Washington DC-based Autistic Self Advocacy Network (ASAN) and a member of the U.S. National Council on Disability, the moves are welcome and well overdue. “We need to see neurological diversity in much the same way as we’ve seen workplace diversity efforts in the past on the basis of race, gender and sexual orientation.”
Eilene Edwards from the Supplier Management Learning Solutions team has personal interest in seeing this neurological diversity come to fruition. She and husband Aaron are the parents of two boys. Their oldest Ryan is seated next to dad. Their youngest Luke, seated next to Eilene, has Asperger’s and struggles with the battle between these strengths and difficulties daily. Understanding the strengths and difficulties associated with Asperger’s has helped her to avoid many problems and handle problems that do arise in a more effective way.
Asperger Syndrome is an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), a milder variant of Autistic Disorder. The fifth edition of the American Psychiatric Association’s (APA) Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental DisordersDSM5.org ASD Fact Sheet defines ASD: “People with ASD tend to have communication deficits, such as responding inappropriately in conversations, misreading nonverbal interactions, or having difficulty building friendships appropriate to their age. In addition, people with ASD may be overly dependent on routines, highly sensitive to changes in their environment, or intensely focused on inappropriate items. Again, the symptoms of people with ASD will fall on a continuum, with some individuals showing mild symptoms and others having much more severe symptoms.”
ASD Strengths in the Workplace
Exceptional memory including understanding concepts presented in material and images.
Detailed understanding of concrete concepts, rules and sequences.
Very precise and detail oriented, which can be combined with high levels of focus on tasks that others may not want to do.
ASD and Difficulties in the Workplace
Two difficult aspects of work for the ASD individual include social interactions and transitions.
Social interaction difficulties may include not understanding nonverbal cues, strict adherence to rules and the expectation that others also adhere to said rules, blunt language (which is “truth” to them), and sometimes repetitive behaviors.
Transitions happen quite a bit more often than non ASD individuals realize, and each transition has the potential to cause distress in the ASD individual.
How do you know when you are boring someone you are talking with? It is likely so automatic to you that you don’t even think about it. ASD individuals often have favorite topics to discuss and most people are willing to listen for a period of time. But when a non ASD person has had enough, he or she may start checking the time and giving nonverbal hints that they want the conversation to come to a close. ASD individuals typically do not catch these hints. The best option is to use clear language that closes the conversation politely. For example say something like, “Thank you for an interesting conversation. Now I am going to a meeting. Bye!”
Recall that a common characteristic of ASD individuals is their ability to focus. Transitions are a break in that focus. Some transitions that a non ASD individual may not think about include: switching from one project to another, especially when the first one is not finished; breaking for lunch; adapting to a new information system; gaining a new responsibility. Transitions can cause feelings similar to those that many avid readers have after finishing a good book. There is a letdown period where you may wonder “oh no – what now?” Imagine having that feeling several times a day. When the ASD individual controls the transition, things go much more smoothly. Whenever possible, involve the ASD individual in the transition planning, especially for significant transitions. Allow the ASD individual to control their own minor transitions, such as when to take a break. When presenting an unexpected transition to the ASD individual, be sympathetic and allow time for the individual to process through stressful emotions caused by the unplanned transition.
Eilene tells us that not everyone with Autism Spectrum Disorder has a formal diagnosis. There are many adults who fit the description, but they were never diagnosed as ASD. They may have been labeled “that odd kid who likes to play alone and won’t look you in the eye” or “that kid who is always causing problems or being rude.” Next time you encounter an employee who has some of the difficulties described here, be more open to finding good ways of interacting with him or her. You may be surprised at the innovative ideas they can come up with, if just given the understanding and chance they need.