Category Archives: Divorce

Relationship With Ex

I’ve been told by professionals that my ex and I are handling our co-parenting relationship very well, with focus on the boys instead of ourselves.  This is coming from a psychologist who councils parents who are sent to him from divorce court, so he sees the worst of the worst.  I’m very thankful for that.

Ex’s mom died this January and this weekend the family gathered for a graveside service in her honor.  This meant that I spent an entire day with him, trapped for almost six hours on the road.  It was the first significant amount of time we’ve spent together since late last year and we were in a place in time where we were willing to just be friends.

There are many good qualities about my ex.  He is kind.  Sincere.  Supportive.  Structured.  Funny.  Sweet.  Intelligent.  But I believe I’m at a point far enough beyond my grieving the death of our relationship that I can appreciate the good and understand his characteristics that make him a less than ideal match for me – without thinking that he is a bad person.

He is the type of person who comes to a solution, let’s say, and then has a very difficult time letting go of his solution.  We each talked about our new romantic partners and I noticed a trend that he tries to take charge of things in her life.  She is young and inexperienced enough that she may appreciate that quality in him.  I am at a point in my life that it just rubs me the wrong way because I want to do it my way and just have someone accept that.  And finally, he is at a point in his life that he thrives off of being needed.

All in all, I think that our long ride together yesterday was good for both of us, and good for our kids.  They got to see their parents enjoying conversation together in spite of the fact that they are divorced.

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The Lie

I’ve been on all sides of the triangle of deceit. The side where I have an opportunity to fess up and didn’t.  The side where I’ve given unintentional opportunities for someone to confess to me.  And the side where I’ve decided that I need to be, to fess up to uncomfortable truths.

I’m on that final side because I’ve been lied to too many times.  Sometimes it was outright lies, but most of the time it was lying by omission.  It hurts either way.

On to what triggered the posts I’ve made today.

I’ve mentioned that my ex has a girlfriend and spends a LOT of time with her.  On our ride home from school yesterday, youngest was saying he ate lunch with his dad and saw a lady from work.  He said his dad gave the lady some good advice.  I think this was the 2nd time I’d heard this story, but my ears perked up because it seemed like they ate lunch with this lady.  So I texted ex and asked if by chance youngest had met his girlfriend.  Yep.

Why wasn’t I informed?  I was pretty upset.

Got home and was trying to go for a walk to cool down, but oldest knew I was upset and kept after me.  He asked if I was upset at his dad and then said, “Oh, is this about that girl from dad’s work that was here?”

I flipped.  He had his girlfriend in MY house.  Ok – we both own the house.  But why the hell did he need to have her here?  Oldest gets home from school early on Wednesday and notices his dad is home and in the basement.  Goes down there and his dad is sending the girlfriend out the back door to leave.

That was bad, but is NOT the worst part for me.  Earlier yesterday I emailed him about some things and he emailed back and said “I am thinking about introducing the boys.”

That is the lie.  At a minimum, youngest has “met” her because he had lunch with them.  And oldest has at lease “seen” her.  It feels like it should have been a perfect opportunity for him to say, “Hey, the boys have already met / seen her.  I’m sorry I didn’t let you know ahead of time.  I just didn’t know you’d be upset.”

Back to the conversation with oldest.  He was horrified because he felt like he told on his dad and he begged me not to say anything that would let his dad know he spilled the beans.

I’m sooooo sorry for him.  His dad should have been the one to spill the beans.  I worry this will be with him for the rest of his life.  He’s scarred!

Dreams

I’ve always had dreams I could remember.  Stress causes me to have more vivid dreams.

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For example

* Dreaming that my ex was putting his man parts in my face. I think this has two meanings. Earlier in the divorce process it was my anxiety that he would pursue me intimately.  After I knew about his girlfriend it was because I felt he was flaunting the new relationship in my face.

* This one is funny to me because it is opposite of my daydreaming.  Last night I had a dream that he wanted me to meet her. She turned out to be plain Jane in appearance with a dull personality.  In my daydreams she’s sexy, good looking, great personality,  etc.

* More on the above dream.  I asked if she knew who I was and she didn’t.  This reflects my feelings that he is secretive and closed off.

* And more a still on that dream. I was on a blind date with a man who was getting WAY to close to me, but I was trying to be ok with that. Interpretation, maybe I’m not ready to date.

* Then a man I knew and liked showed up.  He rescued me and we had a great time while the others watched on in boredom. He paid attention to me, made me laugh, flirted with me. This means that I’m wanting someone who pays attention to me.  It may also mean that I’m showing my vindictive side because ex and his girlfriend were bored and paying more attention to me and my guy.

Divorced Dad & Kids

How do you tell a newly divorced dad with a new girlfriend that he needs to spend time with his kids?  This is our parenting schedule this month.  I’m purple!

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Granted, I’m the scheduled parent for tonight but have dinner plans with some new girl friends.  Ex planned to be at the house for a period of time this evening, before heading off to his girlfriend’s.  Granted, he did see them for a brief time Sunday (maybe 2 hours, while oldest mowed lawn) and for a few minutes this morning.

Anyway, now he’s backing out.  Here’s a text conversation between us:

Him: You need me home this afternoon when you bring the boys home?

Me: No, but maybe they would like to see you.

Me again: Let me know what you decide.

Him: Will it impact your plans if I’m not there? I can be there, it is no big deal.

Me: No.

I was trying to convey that I’m fine but that I think he should spend some time with the boys.  Yes, it was indirect because it didn’t say that outright.  I was hoping that he’d take the hint because I don’t want to tell him what to do.  He’s not my responsibility anymore.

What Have I Done???

I don’t know if I’m really ready for this, but I won’t know unless I try.  I’ve created an online dating profile.

Somebody shoot me now!!!

In all seriousness, how does one know when they are ready for dating after being with the same person for 25+ years?  I know I’m lonely and yearning for some male attention.  I can always just have a few dates and see how it goes, right?

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Healing After Divorce

Earlier I mentioned that my new ex has a girlfriend and that I believe that at some level (emotionally – at a minimum) he was cheating on me before we even started talking divorce.  He has cheated on me before.

Now we are divorced and have been for about a month.  So why do I still feel like he’s cheating on me?  When does that feeling go away?

I’m hoping that it will fade, bit by bit.  I want it to fade immediately.

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3 Weeks???

3 Weeks after our divorce is final and guess where he is?  Spending the night with his new girlfriend.

And he thinks that I believe nothing was going on before we even decided to divorce?

I’m not angry that he’s with her.  I’m angry because I don’t believe that nothing was going on before we divorced.  He let it slip that he was talking to her before we decided to divorce.

I’m angry because it only took him 3 weeks to stand in front of his kids and say goodbye for ANOTHER night away from home (even though technically it is my parenting night).

I’m angry because he can replace me after 3 weeks and here I am writing on my stupid blog because I’m ANGRY and haven’t moved on yet – even though I REALLY want to.

I want to do this to some other body part of his!

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