You Always – You Never – You Suck

In my head I am screaming at Neo (click the link to find out who Neo is), “you suck at returning texts.”  But what good would it do to say that to him?

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It would do NO good.  It is an accusation and will put him on the defensive.  Ultimately, it will not convey to him how I feel when he goes silent.  It will not bring understanding or intimacy between us.  It may make him run for the hills.

I do need to talk to him about it though, because it is disconcerting to receive silence.  I know WHY he goes silent and I’m OK with that. I also understand that this issue may go away or be diminished once he gets a medical problem taken care of later this month.  But for now, the silence is killing me. I want to let him know how I feel about it and request that he not go completely silent.

So instead of flinging “you suck at returning texts” at him (which my amygdala wants me to do); I will instead use my pre-frontal cortex to tell him:

  • When I don’t receive a return text until Tuesday morning for the four texts I send on Monday, I feel like there is a lack of interest.
  • I feel like maybe you are playing cat and mouse with me.
  • I feel like I’m being tricked.
  • I feel like I’m failing at a mind game where the winner sends the fewest texts, but just enough to make the other person want to keep texting.
  • I feel like I should just wait until I receive a response from my last text before I send another, but that feels like playing a mind game.  And that is NOT my style.

Neo, instead of going completely silent on me, could you send me a quick text to let me know you are not feeling good and can’t text or talk just now?  I will respect that and not be upset. Getting a brief text or call like that will alleviate my fears and help me to look forward to communicating with you when you ARE feeling better.

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5 thoughts on “You Always – You Never – You Suck”

  1. I wonder if he feels like you’re trying to keep tabs on him with all the texts? I’m one of those people who won’t answer my cell phone or respond to texts (except on the rarest of occasion). I don’t want to engage with technology that much because I want to live my life, not be a slave to my phone. I’m like being independent and not having to be constantly answering to someone else…I find people who want me to respond to them all the time controlling (two or more texts a day in my mind is excessive). I also hate the interruption of phones and texting, as I just want to focus on what I’m doing.

    Maybe he feels the same? Not everyone is a fan of being “on call” all day.

    One more observation: why are you so afraid if he doesn’t get back to you right away? Are you afraid for him or for yourself? If you’re afraid for him, that seems a bit controlling to me. If you’re afraid for yourself, this seems a bit insecure IMHO. For such a new relationship, you seem to have a lot of expectations of him.

    These are just my mind’s wanderings as I read your story, as I know you’re trying to work through a new phase in your life. Take my thoughts into consideration or throw them out, as you see fit. 🙂

    1. Thanks for the reply. Good food for thought! Right now I’m “guessing” – which is why I would like to talk to him about it. Not from the perspective that I get my way or want to control him, but from the perspective of understanding and learning. I have no desire to control anyone. I am a pretty balanced on the security scale, maybe slightly more on the insecure side than the secure side. I’ve never dealt with anyone who has your level of aversion to texting and phone calls and certainly “hope” that is not his view. But the ultimate point is that I will not know unless we talk about it more. If it turns out that he has a major aversion to communication, then we would continue to have problems and would not be a good match.

      1. I agree I’m outside of the norm as far as use my use of cell phones/texts. If someone were to actually break up with me over that issue alone, I’d consider it their problem and not mine. I certainly don’t have “a major aversion to communication,” I simply like to communicate in person, and have my alone time to myself.

        Maybe I’m older than you (I’m 42)? I had no option but to conduct the vast majority of my life without technology, and don’t consider it to be essential like younger people do.

      2. No. I’m older than you. And I agree that if it comes to a break up over this, which is unlikely, it would be my problem not his. I love communication in person far better than text. But scheduling something in person requires a text or call, which was the primary reason for texting yesterday.

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